"Father"

Fifteen years on this world, yet only four out of those fifteen have I been able to say those words. Dad. For as long as I can remember, I grew up with only a Mom no Dad. My dad was in the picture I suppose, but only for a short period of time. As harsh as this sounds I’ve never considered myself having a dad. Growing up, he was there but only in the background he never played as a main character in my life. I’ve never really had someone to call dad, nor do I want to have a dad but sometimes, just sometimes I wish “dad” was around. I remember this phase I went through when I wanted a dad so badly. I remember growing up, watching my neighbor’s dad take such good care of her. I wanted, craved that so much. Whenever she got mad at him for the smallest things, I would get so mad. Deep down I wanted to yell -scream- at her for treating him so badly because what she took for granted was what I need the most. I see now how naive I was back then, wishing for something I could never grasp. I see now that “Dad” never wanted me in the first place, mom was just a rebound until his other wife came back ‘round. I see now that without his love I am perfectly fine. Why ? Because I never had your love in the first place, so why do I need your love now.

Dear Dad,

I resent you dad,for all the things you’ve taken away from me. My childhood was never whole because you were never around, What’s it like dad ? To forget you’re daughter’s birthday ? I was turning four, you promised you were going come to watch me blow out my candles, but you left. And where’d you go?You left to be with your new family. I knew you and mom had it rough from the start, but what about me ? I know I wasn’t planned but I always had faith in you. Mom thought I was to young to understand but she was wrong. I remember when mom would talk behind your back saying you weren’t a man, that you were to afraid of her to raise me. When mom said that I always thought to myself “No, mom’s wrong. Dad loves me, he’s going to come. ” Everyday the same thing came out of my mouth, everyday you let me down harder. In the end, mom was right. You aren’t a man. You left me high and dry,While you spent time with your other family. If I was to much to handle,Why do I have a sister the same age as me, why the fuck do I have three siblings in total ? I resent you, everything I was suppose to have you gave to her. Your love, went to her. I never knew her face,But I envy this girl. She had everything I ever wanted. A whole family, a loving dad, a good childhood. I resent you for leaving Mom & I. I resent you for leaving me behind. You must think you are a wonderful dad,never calling me. To me,You are only a stranger. I grew up to fast, because you weren’t there to protect me. People ask where you are, and I choke up when I answer. Do you know how hard to answer that. How can I say, I don’t know where my dad is ? How can I say my dad isn’t here because he abandoned me ? I guess in some twisted way, you did love me. But that love wasn’t enough, that love was never enough because you never did really love me like mom. Your love was out of pity, you love was nothing but a sham. I don’t care how much you regret leaving me now. Always and forever, I will never love you. ever. I resent you for leaving me. I resent you for making mom cry. But most of all, I resent you for calling me a mistake. This isn’t resentment, this is hatred to this day, you are the only person I truly hate.
Love,Your daughter.